I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
