david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
