I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
there is glitter all over my balls
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
