She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
