Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
