there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
