I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
