2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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