Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
