walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
