I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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