Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
