Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
