He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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