tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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