I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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