Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
