my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
