we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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