oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
