i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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