high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
