My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
