ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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