i was born a porn star she said
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
