what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
