as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
