Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Actions speak louder than pants.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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