i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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