Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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