I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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