Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
