i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
