The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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