the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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