in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
