weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
