Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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