Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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