The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
