Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
