I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
