i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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