How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
