he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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