I accidentally had phone sex last night
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
