I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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