Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
