Whod you bang
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sobbing to NWA
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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