I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
