I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
