Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
