I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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