i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
