I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
