This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
