No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
