This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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