fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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